The Murder of St. Valentine

It is currently 12:08 AM, which just so happens to be 8 minutes into the most pointless holiday known to man. Of course, I'm talking about Valentines Day. Today we celebrate the oh so romantic public stoning to death of St. Valentine and if you are anything like me you wonder how the public stoning of a religious figure turned into a day for sweethearts to exchange cards and candy hearts. I have three theories as to how this connection was made which I will generously share with you now.

1. Valentines Day was invented, or at least promoted as a day of love, by the candy companies. It does not take a marketing genius to realize that girls like chocolate, girls are happy when boys buy them chocolate, so lets make heart shaped boxes of chocolate and little candy hearts and make Feb. 14th a day dedicated to sweethearts. This results in guys buying lots of chocolate for girls and making the candy companies enormous amounts of money. (It also explains a lot about why the majority of Americans are overweight.)
The same principle goes for florists, jewelry stores, and card companies.

2. Valentines was invented by an angry feminist group. Is it so far fetched to believe that some feminist group, angered over higher male wages, began promoting a day for men to waste their hard earned money on gifts to women in order to make up for the above wage discrepancy? I think not!

3. My final theory is that a group of men realized that if they made their girlfriends feel really special with gifts and attention on a day for lovers then their chances of getting laid exponentially increased.

Well, that’s all I have for today. I apologize in advance for any sloppy grammar as it is nearly 12:30 AM now and I am quite tired.